Do you belong to a book club, journal club, or reading group? During the past year, I’ve participated in two such groups and have tried to just do more reading in general. It has been fabulous and has stretched me. This summer I have participated in a Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, and Belonging Reading Group. I’ve thought a lot recently about a selection we read from Glenn Singleton’s book Courageous Conversations About Race: A Field Guide for Achieving Equity in Schools.
I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time staying engaged in a conversation where I feel like there is a wide difference between my point of view and that of the other person. I find myself either tuning out, making a judgement, or trying to get away as soon as possible. However, I have learned that a way to stay in connection with the other person is to exercise what are called the “Four Agreements of Courageous Conversations.”
1) Stay engaged
2) Experience discomfort
3) Speak your truth
4) Expect and accept non-closure
For me, I think that one of the reasons that I don’t stay engaged is because I don’t like to feel discomfort!!! How about you? Discomfort is not pleasant! However, being able to stay in discomfort, even a little bit longer, can help us stay in the room and in connection with someone else. So, I have learned that one way to stay engaged is to ask “deepening questions” of the other person. This can facilitate a deeper human connection with the person, increase my fund of knowledge, and also increase the chance of them listening to what I have to share as well. If I dismiss the other person out the gate, then I usually don’t have an opportunity to share my truth in a way that they can hear as well. This is also so true with couples.
If couples use deepening questions,
then it promotes a goal of UNDERSTANDING.
If the goal is understanding rather than trying to immediately solve a problem or to argue my way into convincing my partner that I’m right (this rarely works and just makes a rupture), both parties will feel heard and understood. Finally, if you expect at the beginning of a talk about a challenging topic that you won’t immediately have closure or 100% alignment, then you start with the idea that we are going to have a series of talks about a topic, rather than just one. That has two positive outcomes. One is that more conversation creates more opportunities for connection, increasing the chances of coming up with a win-win or what the Gottmans call a “We-ness” outcome.
When we have an outcome that is positive for both of us,
then our relationship satisfaction is very likely to increase and strengthen our friendship.
Another book I’m reading this summer is Dr. Kelly Chong’s Love Across Borders: Asian Americans, Race, and the Politics of Intermarriage and Family-Making. It has significantly increased my understanding of the historical and cultural factors that influence Asian Americans’ choice of partners and how they make family decisions related to culture. The book, based on Dr. Chong’s qualitative research, contains fascinating, and some saddening/maddening, first person examples from her participants as they describe their dating, marriage, and parenting experiences in the U.S.
As I write this blog, I’m also watching the Olympics which is always a joy. May the international cooperation and respect they represent also inspire us on an individual level to stay engaged in courageous conversations to promote greater understanding.
Have a wonderful August.