Not all marriages make it. Despite the fact that just about everyone enters a marriage with good intentions, sometimes for a variety of reasons, it just doesn’t work out. When I was beginning my certification track with the Gottman Institute, I received a phone call from an individual who thought they were pretty sure that they wanted a divorce but had not yet told their spouse. I felt uncomfortable about agreeing to take them on for couples counseling knowing that the chances of the dissolution of the marriage were high. In fact, I wondered to myself if it was even ethical for me to take on the case. So, I went to my Gottman consultant who said to me essentially this - “You can help them have a good divorce and this is especially important if there are children involved.” These were wise words which I have come to greatly appreciate. If you come to me now for couples counseling, I am going to tell you that I believe your marriage can improve if you can resurrect a healthy friendship with your partner via the Gottman strategies and if there is not abuse or severe psychopathology. However, if things don’t work out, and you have turned over every stone important to you in the relationship, then my hope is that I can help you have a good divorce. I have seen this work via the Gottman approach.
I recently met a couple of wonderful psychologists, Drs. Lauren Behrman and Jeffrey Zimmerman, who specialize in this exact thing – helping couples who are divorcing or divorced, keep the best interests of their kids as the top priority. And I met them in of all places, Havana, Cuba, where I was speaking as part of a symposium on Psychologist Self-Care at the Interamerican Congress on Psychology.
Dr. Behrman gave a very compelling talk about avenues available to help parents who are coming out of high conflict divorce. These include co-parenting counseling, parenting coordination, and dual parent coordination. Co-parenting counseling is conducted with both parents present. Parenting coordination is when one professional meets with one of the parents and dual parent coordination involves a team or professionals working together for the best interests of the children and the clients. According to Dr. Behrman, the emphasis in their approach is to shift the focus from a failed marriage to a lifetime partnership as parents. I was delighted to learn that she and Dr. Zimmerman had written a book, Loving Your Children More Than You Hate Each Other, which I promptly ordered once I got home. I think it is going to be tremendously helpful to me as a psychologist and to clients facing this difficult situation. Dr. Behrman also invites you to check-out their blog at mydivorcerecovery.com.
Finally, I always recommend the Gottman classic, The Seven Principles That Make Marriage Work, for folks at all stages of coupledom. Even if you’re single, it’s a great resource to have on your radar for creating a lasting and satisfying love relationship when the opportunity arises.
Have a great August and watch for our newsletter to learn about upcoming KCCT events!