Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. I frequently say this phrase when I arrive at a particular type of hotel because I have managed to get myself Diamond status due to my credit card and, as a result, I get a plum parking spot. However, this past week, as I was waiting to get my COVID booster shot, I looked down and noticed that the diamond, that is probably really one of my best friends, was totally missing from my engagement ring. All that was left were those pokey prongs and the ring. I had no idea where I’d lost it and wasn’t too optimistic about finding it, as I was sitting in the pharmacy at a grocery store when I discovered it was missing. I’d been to yoga class and I’d walked across a couple of parking lots already that morning.
The first person I texted was my spouse who’d put the ring on my finger 30 years ago. His reply was all I could have wanted - an expletive followed by “Do you want me to come help you find it?” I was not very hopeful and said no. I retraced my steps, got my booster, and headed to work with the remnants of the ring snagging on anything it touched. I sent a photo to him and to our insurance agent of the sad ring. Then I proceed with my day as I counseled with couples, some of whom were considering whether or not to keep their rings on their fingers.
About the time I was getting ready to leave work, I got a text message from my spouse that said “Found it”. He had found the darn diamond on our kitchen floor, after he had searched the garage! On the one hand, I could not believe it, but on the other, I could. This man can fix anything. He has repaired our microwave probably three times (like who does that???). And he has fished numerous items out of the drain in our bathroom. So if anyone would find it, it was him. Our insurance agent couldn’t believe it and thought that there must have been divine intervention. At any rate, half of our problem was solved. We found the diamond but now had to get the darn rest of the ring off my finger so I could get it repaired. That thing has only been off my hand once in 30 years.
Connie, our office manager, came through with a youtube video and the next night, we went to work getting the ring off through the clever but painful use of a ribbon. By the time I survived that ordeal, I knew that I had material for this month’s blog.
In the Gottman approach to couples therapy, the friendship between the couple is primary. It is the foundation on which the entire relationship and the therapy rest. The parable of my lost and found diamond and engagement ring removal drama highlight many aspects of the marital friendship. Love maps – Knowing your partner – in our case, my partner knew where to start looking for the ring because he knew my day to day habits, Fondness and Admiration – My partner demonstrated fondness toward me by wanting to reduce my distress and help me locate the ring. He considers me to be a high priority and was willing to leave work to come walk around a grocery store. Turning Towards – My partner had immediately responded to my text message which he recognized as a bid for help and empathy. He also turned towards my bid to assist with the removal of the fairly tight ring. Finally, we got to use that reservoir of good will from our friendship to help us through the unfun process of getting that ring off which included grimaces on my part and tenacity and patience on his.
I hope that you’ll find some opportunities to enhance your friendships in December both the marital and non-marital kinds. The free Gottman Card Decks, which I frequently promote, include both love map and open-ended question cards which are great for giving your friendship a boost. Those upcoming long car rides are a perfect time to utilize the card decks! Hopefully too, you’ll get an opportunity to experience some of the diamonds of the holiday season like snow and time off for rest and relaxation.
Happy Holidays!