Trust and Commitment: These are the two walls of the Gottman’s Sound Relationship House.
“Partners trust one another when each person acts in ways that maximize benefits for their partner, not just for themselves. To build trust, partners are finding out, “Will you be there for me?” in lots of different situations. For example, “Will you be there for me if your mother criticizes me?” or “Will you be there for me if I’m sick or depressed?” Couples need to know that their partner will keep them physically, mentally and emotionally safe.” (Gottman Connect)
Commitment is about loyalty.
As the Gottman’s say “Commitment exists when each partner believes that this relationship is a lifelong journey, for better or for worse. When there is a true sense of commitment, partners are loyal to one another, see each other as their best choice, and cherish each other. There is no one else that they would rather spend their life with. When partners lack commitment, they often make negative comparisons between their current partner and a real or fantasized alternative partner with whom they think they’ll be happier. In these comparisons, their current partner is found lacking”. (Gottman Connect).
My spouse and I just got back from a great vacation to Nevada and California. We visited Death Valley National Park and Yosemite National Park. Both were on my bucket list. We hiked several days in the autumnal beauty of the West. I am a slow hiker and I come from what I call “a long line of fallers.” So I’m careful where I put my step and don’t exactly scamper over the rocks like I saw some other hikers do. However, I was really proud of the trust and commitment we showed each day. And it paid off in spectacular ways.
I can’t tell you how many times I put out my hand to my partner to have him help me over a rock or a creek and he put his hand out to bring me along. I trusted that he would keep me safe and be there for me if I fell. My husband on the other hand was committed to me through the hikes. He didn’t leave me behind; he didn’t tell me that he wished he was with someone else who walked faster. We just had fun. As a result, we saw waterfalls, amazing lakes, a ghost town, the lowest place in the US and the highest place in the continental US. There was only one point where I sat down on a bench and said “You can bring the car around and pick me up right here.”
To read more about Trust and Commitment, I recommend the Gottman’s book What Makes Love Last. As we enter the month of gratitude (and really shouldn’t everyday be Thanksgiving?), I wanted to wish you and yours a good entry into the holiday season. Happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful for all of you who have made my practice a success.