I’m currently in the midst of teaching a Gottman Bringing Baby Home course. I really enjoy these three week classes with new and prospective parents. They are so fun! I meet great people from all over the country (and sometimes the world) who want to maintain their relationship and be successful parents. A couple of my favorite parts of the program are when each partner expresses specific appreciations for the other one, and especially when they talk about qualities that their partner has that they hope that their baby will possess. It is really special to hear how much these folks admire each other!
Another part of the training that is so important is when we discuss Gottman’s 4 Horsemen, especially Criticism.
“There is no such thing as constructive criticism.”
That is so true!!!
So often we think that we are being helpful when we point out where our partner could improve but our delivery is damaging. One of the best activities that we do in BBH (and is frequently homework that I assign early on in Couples' Therapy) is to practice soft start-ups.
HOW we complain makes a huge difference.
As Dr. Gottman says, it is fine to have a complaint; You don’t need to live with those dirty wet towels left on the floor. We just don’t want to criticize, which is essentially an attack on the other person’s character. If we start with the word YOU, then that is setting someone up for criticism. However, if we start with: I FEEL . . . WHEN / ABOUT . . . and I NEED . . . then we are setting the conversation up for Success.
One of my couples’ favorite tools is the Gottman Card Deck. Click here for the FREE app. You will find within the deck a set for practicing appreciations and others that will help you express your feelings and needs. I also frequently recommend the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. It has lots of activities and wonderful science-based content to improve your relationship.
As we welcome autumn, I hope that you’ll take the opportunity to connect with you partner and/or family in special ways. Happy Fall!