On a recent flight, I was sitting in the middle section of the plane in the second to the last row. My husband had the aisle seat and I was in one of the middle seats. I was reading and all of a sudden, the person in front of me reclined their seat and the force of it hit my book hard. I got flooded. I was so flooded that I made a snarky comment to the person, “I hope you enjoy your nap!”. They did not raise the seat back and for the next 4.5 hours the seat was reclined. Ugh.
My husband was a prince and a Gottman Rock Star. He knew that I was flooded and rather than criticize me and make it worse, he tried to soothe me by offering to switch seats. I was in martyr mode and said no, I didn’t want him to have to suffer and I went back to reading my book which I now could no longer hold in front of my face. There were about 3 or 4 inches between my nose and the seat – I could be exaggerating but I don’t think I am. At any rate, my husband helped regulate me and I calmed down. I thought about complaining to the flight attendant but I did want to add to their already stressful jobs. However, when I got up to use the restroom and came back, my dear husband had switched seats and put his 6 foot self in the seat with the reclined back in front of him. He read his book sideways. He was a true friend and partner and hit the Gottman approach out of the park! Here are the highlights of what he did:
He was my friend! Concerned about my welfare and wanting me to be happy.
He avoided using any of the 4 Horsemen. Not a word of criticism! Even when I was cranky!!
Because he loves and cares for me, he wanted me to be happy. So, he was attentive to my DREAM of wanting to have a relaxing flight.
He also used humor to lighten things up.
Following this recipe of friendship is a cornerstone of the Gottman approach. In all of our work with this model either through therapy or through the Bringing Baby Home class, we assess and bolster a couple’s friendship. Friendship is HUGE. It is important to make decisions that are win-win and to feel like your partner has your back in all situations, especially challenging ones.
As we head into the holiday season, I hope that you will look for opportunities to strengthen your friendship with your partner. It is a crucial tool in managing conflict and adding wonderful value to your relationship!
Have a great Thanksgiving everyone!