Over the holidays, my daughter and I had a Pirates of the Caribbean movie marathon. Starting Christmas night and for the four nights following, at 6 pm, we viewed the next movie in the series. During the third movie, I was happy to find my inspiration for this month’s blog. During an epic battle on a ship at sea, Will Turner asks Elizabeth Swann to marry him. As they dodge blows from their opponents, they debate if this is a good time to get married. Will asks Captain Barbosa, who is also engaged in battle, to do the honors and by the end of the scene, they are married! One of my favorite moments during this section of the movie is when Will and Elizabeth are back-to-back, conversing and fending off pirates or the British or pirate zombie-type people at the same time. It’s a great representation of the Gottman’s idea of “Turning Towards vs Turning Away” which is a foundational friendship skill. Will and Elizabeth absolutely have each other’s back in that moment, even though they are extremely busy!
How do you feel when someone “has your back?” I bet supported, seen, and heard.
As the pandemic continues towards a second complete year, what small ways can you have your partner’s or a family member’s back? How would you like someone to have your back? It really isn’t that complicated, but it is very much about friendship. First of all, having a good love map of your partner’s life makes it so you don’t even need to ask what would be meaningful to them. Because you pay attention, you just know what would make them feel happy and supported. Maybe that would be a favorite meal, an extra hour of sleep, or time for an extra workout this week. It is also about bids and turning towards them. If your partner has had a rough day at work or a challenging time with the kids, really listen to what they need. If they sit down with a sigh and say, “Boy, would I love a glass of water.” Turn towards that bid and have their back. Maybe help them protect their self-care time or boundaries by encouraging them to not over schedule or over commit. Maybe it is making sure that you support them when they have had to firm boundary with parenting.
It feels great when someone has your back.
This Valentine’s Day, try to really turn towards your loved ones with some extra love. They will love you for it.