Newlyweds have been on my mind lately. I recently celebrated my 30th wedding anniversary and my husband and I took a fun trip to mark the occasion. On our flight home, behind us were a pair of newlyweds who were returning from their honeymoon in Florida. They’d clearly been to some theme parks as they had the flight attendant place their lightsabers in First Class as the overhead bins in Economy couldn’t accommodate them. Throughout the flight I enjoyed eavesdropping on their excited banter as they headed home. This was the first time that the husband had flown, and the wife and the flight attendant were doing a great job of keeping him calm during a pretty extensive run of turbulence. I was reminded of the vital importance of friendship in a relationship throughout the flight.
Within the Gottman Sound Relationship House, the friendship between a couple is absolutely foundational. The bottom three tiers of Love Maps, Fondness & Admiration, and Turning Towards Instead of Away compose the cake of friendship with the fourth tier, The Positive Perspective, as the icing on top. This couple clearly had a good friendship. Their love maps about their interests were clearly strong, they were enjoying each other’s company, and they were making bids back and forth that were turned towards. Fun and positivity were oozing out of this couple.
Another couple I observed on our trip demonstrated another key component to a couple’s friendship, passion and romance. While my husband and I were enjoying the pool, I watched another couple literally dancing in the ocean. There was a little patch of a sandbar which grew larger and shrank with the ebb and flow of the tide. This couple was dancing on this little patch of paradise with water all around them. Pretty romantic! In the Gottman world, passion and romance is located within the second and third tiers of the friendship cake. Generally, if there is mutual affection and admiration then you are going to feel connected to your partner in all ways and turn towards bids for romance.
I always ask couples during our first session to share with me how they met and what they liked about each other at this time. Almost 100% of the time people relax as they reminisce and compliment each other. Somewhere along the relationship journey this fondness and admiration gets lost as couples are challenged by managing conflict. So, we work together on strengthening their friendship, helping them gain skills in conflict management, and on creating shared meaning.
One of the best things a couple can do is maintain and nurture the friendship between the two of them. It is not rocket science! Most couples have the components while they are dating. They just need to not lose their friendship in the shuffle of life. Good friendship makes for a very satisfying and mutually supportive relationship. So, take advantage of these summer days to rekindle your friendship with your partner!