I was a little late getting an October blog written, so I decided to stretch it across two months!

I’ve been doing a deep dive with the Gottman’s Trauma and Affairs workshop. I have learned so much that it is influencing my work with all of my couples! Below are some of the highlights so far, please credit Drs. John and Julie Gottman for this information unless otherwise noted.

1) People in monogamous relationships live 10 years longer! They stay physically healthier and recover from illness faster. They become wealthier and their children do much better. An additional fascinating finding Dr. John Gottman shared was from research done by one of his former graduate students, Dr. Jim Coan, who does hand holding studies. Coan has found that if our beloved holds our hand during a fearful situation, it truly does provide “brain comfort!”.

2) There are 3 phases of love: Limerance (falling in love), Trust (Are you there for me?), and Commitment (Loyalty vs Betrayal). Most arguments occur within the first 2 years of a relationship and are related to trust.

3) The first step towards infidelity is what Gottman calls “Negative Comparisons” - the grass would be greener with someone else.

4) In Gottman Couples work, our goal is to build a great marriage 2.0! This includes what Sue Johnson calls a “safe harbor”. It includes physiological calm, trust, and commitment. Trust is acting so to benefit both partners, so each has the other partner’s best interests at heart. Betrayal is when you are trying to negotiate the best thing for yourself.

5) If couples avoid self-disclosure and avoid conflict, these are part of the cascade toward betrayal. Couples need to share things and process things. Even difficult things need to be brought into the marriage.

6) “Trashing” vs “Cherishing” – enough said.

7) When loneliness in the relationship builds, vulnerability to other relationships starts.

If these ideas have piqued your interest, check out the Gottman book, “What Makes Love Last.”