Within Gottman Method Couples Therapy, we talk about “perpetual issues” versus “solvable problems.” Perpetual issues are topics that come up again and again between a couple. Usually there is never 100% alignment on a solution. For some folks, it might be how they approach spending money, for others, it might be in-laws, for others it might be sex. For a lot of people that I see in my office, it is a mental health diagnosis of one or both partners that impacts the relationship in a perpetual way. Common diagnoses I see which challenge couples are ADHD, Bipolar, depression, and anxiety. Substance use is an additional challenge as well.
The key thing to know about approaching perpetual issues is HOW you talk about them. Number one, as Dr. John Gottman says, you want to respond to your partner as your friend and not your enemy. Secondly, you want to avoid the Four Horsemen of Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. Third, you want to focus on being a good listener and look for points of common ground. Finally, when you make a bid or a request related to your partner’s behavior tied to a diagnosis, you want to use a soft start up. The soft start-up involves starting with your feelings, describing the situation and not your partner, then making a bid or a positive request. Gottman’s research 100% supports the use of a soft start up whenever possible.
Some common bids with soft start-ups which might occur when a mental health diagnosis is influencing a relationship could be the following:
I feel frustrated when helpful medications aren’t taken regularly, and I need you to talk with your therapist about what can help you remember to take them.
I feel annoyed when I repeat a request several times and I would appreciate you writing things down on a list.
I feel frustrated when I know the psychiatrist recommended an individual therapist weeks ago and a call has not been made. I’d like you to prioritize calling them to see if they can help you with your anxiety and depression. How can I help support you?
I feel hurt when there are arguments that include name calling when we’ve been drinking, I need us to take a look at our alcohol use.
If you’d like some help with crafting “soft start-ups”, I recommend the Free Gottman Card Deck from the App Store. Once you have downloaded the app, there is a nice card deck which is included with the Bringing Baby Home curriculum towards the bottom of the first page of the app. It gives you a chance to rephrase a harsh start up with a softened start.
A final thought as we head towards Valentine’s Day is to focus on putting some deposits into your friendship account with your partner – express those appreciations, show affection, and make a bid for some positive time together!