Something that I have been talking with my couples about a lot lately is assuming the best of your partner. Dr. John Gottman has this concept of “we-ness” which refers to making decisions that are a win-win and good for both of you AND assuming that your partner is doing the same.
What Dr. Gottman has found from his research, is that happy, successful couples live in this quadrant of “we-ness” where they give each other the benefit of the doubt. Rather than assuming that my partner is trying to make my life difficult or being selfish, when we are living in the “we-ness” zone we both assume that our partner is living and relating from a loving and unselfish stance, even if they are irritable.
When I hear about unhappy couples, it is not unusual that one or both are making decisions from a place of “me-ness.” In this situation, a partner is making self-serving decisions and this, not surprisingly, is a royal road to what the Gottmans refer to as “negative sentiment override.” These partnerships are not satisfactory and do not assume the best of their partners. In fact, they assume the worst so much that they even PREDICT or MINDREAD to their detriment. For example, if I’m in negative sentiment override, I think “I already know how you’re going to react, so why bother bringing a topic up with you because you’re going to shoot it down anyway.” What is the result of this type of thinking? A missed opportunity for connection and friendship.
One of the crucial parts of establishing the positive zone of “we-ness” is bolstering and building your friendship as a couple. I see over and over, how if a couple can re-ignite their friendship it pays tons of dividends.
So as we head into summer, be curious about your partner, express fondness and admiration for each other, put some sizzle into your romantic life, and assume the best of your partner. It is super important that your partner feels like your go-to is we-ness. We want the answer to: “Are you there for me?” to be a resounding YES!