I’m currently reading a book recommended to Gottman trainers called Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.. I had heard great things about this book from colleagues and clients and so far it has lived up to the hype. Although the content about the science of sex is terrific, what I really want to talk to you about today is the material related to managing our stress responses. Nagoski is a sex educator by profession and you can tell that she is a very talented teacher. Her examples within the book are clear, understandable, and many. So, the book is a very easy read.
Within chapter 4, Nagoski introduces the concept of the stress response cycle. She shares that stress and love are the two emotional systems that have the “most immediate impact on sexual pleasure.” She describes stress as the “physiological and neurological process that helps you deal with threats.” Is that ringing a Fight, Flight, or Freeze bell??? On page 110 Nagoski states: “the key to managing stress … is not simply ‘relaxing’ or ‘calming down’, It is allowing the stress response cycle to complete.”
Let your body move all the way
from ‘I am at risk’ to ‘I am safe.”
So, what are the best ways to complete the cycle??? According to Nagoski, exercise/physical activity is number one. Other research backed options are sleep, affection, meditation, mindfulness, yoga, tai chi, crying (if utilized to wash away stress and not wallow), and art. Although Nagoski doesn’t have any research support for the following idea, I found it pretty interesting. She suggests also that body based self-care/grooming can be helpful to move stress along its way – taking a shower, doing your hair and nails, putting on make-up – she calls this “treating yourself with affection.” As a therapist, I, of course, would add therapy and I think Nagoski addresses this when she says:
identify places and people who create space for you to have Feels.
Think about yourself and people in your life. Are you doing some of the above daily or at least weekly??? I worry about people who say they haven’t showered in a week. Not only do I think they are depressed, but this information about the stress response cycle also indicates that their stress response isn’t being moved down the road either!
As a couple’s therapist, I am finding Nagoski’s many case examples very helpful, and you might too. So, I’ll keep reading and I’m sure that I’ll be sharing more that I’ve learned in another upcoming blog.
Keep enjoying these beautiful summer days and the people you love!