As we head toward deep winter, I’d like to talk about the art of deep listening.
I always tell my beginning counseling students what a gift it is to really listen, and be listened to. Early into the basic counseling skills class that I teach, I do an activity where I split my class in two groups to demonstrate this point. One set of students stays in the classroom, and I take the other group out into the hallway where I give them the following instruction: “Do not listen to your partner.” The students who have remained in the classroom are told that they are the ‘talker” and are to tell their partner about their plans for the weekend. When the two groups are reunited, the experience is powerful. The counseling students who are told to not listen are turning away, digging in purses or backpacks, or looking at phones and their partners are bewildered. When we process afterwards, I am usually able to remark that I didn’t have to give directions on how not to listen and that they are spending thousands of dollars to go to graduate school, to in fact, learn how to be a good listener, among other things. So it makes sense that a lot of times life partners, who are usually not trained counselors, need to learn how to be better and deeper listeners.
In the book, What Makes Love Last?, Dr. John Gottman writes about the art of attunement. “When couples can understand each other at a deep level and lovingly express that knowledge to each other, real intimacy exists between them” (pg. 83). Attunement is crucial to real connection and to repair when there have been ruptures in a relationship. So, what are Gottman’s recommended steps to achieve attunement?
1. Put your feelings into words – you can even use a feeling list if that might help – avoid the Four Horsemen: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling
2. Ask open-ended questions – “What” questions are great – like “What happened next?” Or “What do you think about that?” Or “What are you feeling about what was said?
3. Follow up with statements that deepen connection – such as summarizing or paraphrasing what your partner just said to show that you are listening
4. Express compassion and empathy – show your partner that you have their back – you understand – what they are saying makes sense to you, even if they have a complaint about you or the relationship.
A great time to have these attunement conversations, and to practice your listening skills, is during what the Gottmans call a “stress-reducing conversation” or during a “state of the union” weekly meeting (also described in the book). These are both dedicated times set aside just to talk with your partner on a regular basis. When I was in Seattle for an Art and Science of Love weekend, I was struck by information that Dr. Gottman shared from a study done by the Sloan Center at UCLA with dual-career heterosexual couples. One finding was that most of these couples only spent 35 minutes “in joint conversation” a week, mostly discussing errands and their “to-do” lists.
So, as you head into a new year and a new decade, I’d encourage you to aspire to deepen your conversations with your partner. A great bonus is that these same four steps work well with your children, your friends, your co-workers, and other important people in your life.
Happy New Year!