Boy, did my “Love Map” of my husband come in handy last weekend when we went canoeing. The bottom tier of the Gottman’s Sound Relationship House is what we call the “Friendship Subsystem.” The very first section is composed of “Love Maps”. Love Maps reflect your knowledge of your partner. This can include basic demographic information like where they were born (surprise, not all partners might know this if the relationship started with a big combustible physical attraction), their favorite flavor of ice cream, or their childhood best friend. It can also include information about what is on your partner’s daily calendar or radar. If you know about that dentist appointment or big meeting, then your love map knowledge is strong. My husband and I were talking with another couple about an outdoor activity we could all do together in these social distancing days. I voted for canoeing. My husband (and I am really not exaggerating much here) is good at everything. I mean, he has fixed a microwave twice! Who does that? The rest of us mortals would go buy a new one. Anyway, after 28 years of marriage, I know that this man can steer a canoe and I have yet to see him tip one. My daughter and I have tipped over a few times, especially while singing songs from Pocohontas.
Our time in the canoe together was a master class in Gottman-ism. Because my canoeing love map is on point with him, we did not tip over, and we both had a fun time. I accepted his influence non-stop from the moment we went into the water. If he told me to paddle, I paddled. If he told me which side my oar needed to be on, it was there. If he told me to not move, believe me, I did not move. My fondness and admiration (the second level of the SRH) for him bloomed with each successful navigation of a challenge. I turned toward him when I had a question and he turned toward me with the answer. We utilized all of the friendship skills we have, and we had fun.
Great ways to deepen your love map with your partner are to get out those FREE Gottman card decks; Especially the Love Map and Open-Ended Questions ones. Also, asking “deepening questions” are a fabulous way to learn more about your partner. See my January 2020 Blog for a refresher on those. You will both enjoy getting to know each other even better. Or do a favorite activity together or take a walk down memory lane and do something you both enjoyed when you were dating. I frequently hear from couples about how much fun they had sharing common interests when they were dating and now, with busy lives, those things seem to drop off the calendar.
As we head deeper into fall, I encourage you to get outside and enjoy nature and your partner.
Take good care this October.