When I think of March, I think of green. Maybe you do too. So, I’d like to focus on couples and money this month. I spend a lot of time talking about money with couples in my office. Money is power. Money is a resource. Money, in some cases, is very tied up with family. I recently finished reading Uneasy Street, a fascinating book by Dr. Rachel Sherman. Her book is based on a sociological study of affluent couples and their relationship to their money. Even within the wealthiest 5% of couples, there are still dynamics about paid and unpaid work that lead to feelings of “less than” and actions such as hiding money or lying about money. And this is in families where there is plenty of the green stuff to go around.
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What makes our relationship with money so fraught?
Well, like food, money is a perpetual presence in our lives. We need money to live and navigate this world of ours. Where did we learn our meanings around money? Usually in our families of origin, which is the family you grew up in. So, I’d like you to ask yourself the following questions about your relationship with money and money in your relationship:
1. How was money talked about within your family of origin?
2. What do you know about how money was talked about in your partner’s family?
3. If you and/or your partner brought debt into the relationship, when was it first brought up in your dating life and how did that conversation go?
4. How easily do you and your partner talk about money?
5. How do you FEEL when you need to bring up financial matters with your partner? What is your self-talk like? How does your partner REACT and FEEL when you have brought up the subject?
6. When do the conversations go best and when are they more challenging?
In my January Blog, I outlined a four-step process of attunement that you might find helpful the next time you need to have a cash conversation. However, if you have recently had an argument about the green stuff, never fear. There are some great tools from the Gottman Aftermath of a Fight protocol that can be useful in helping couples talk about money.
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The 5 Steps
1. Feelings: Share how you felt. Do not say why you felt that way. Avoid commenting on your partner’s feelings.
2. Realities: Describe your “reality.” Take turns. Summarize and validate at least a part of your partner’s reality.
3. Triggers: Share what experiences or memories you’ve had that might have escalated the interaction, and the stories of why these are triggers for each of you. There might be a connection to your family of origin here. It is also best to talk about experiences and memories outside of the relationship.
4. Responsibility: Acknowledge your own role in contributing to the fight or regrettable incident.
5. Constructive Plans: Plan together one way that each of you can make it better next time.
I hear from couples that sometimes what my husband calls a “cold war” can go on for days. A key for using the Aftermath process is you cannot actively be “in the fight” and try to do it. So, you might need the help of a Gottman Trained Therapist to successfully utilize this process the first few times.
More like the March lamb, rather than the March lion, using an established process built on Respect and Friendship can help convert cold wars into an occasional chilly breeze that blows through quickly without doing much damage.
If you’d like to learn more about my approach to working with couples, check-out more of my website, or consider signing up for one of my couple’s workshops.
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I’d love to help you and your partner have more productive and pleasant conversations about important topics in your lives.