I hope this day finds you doing well.
Right at the beginning of the COVID-19 onset in the US, I was in Miami, Florida at a conference. Some of the people also staying at my Hampton Inn were getting ready to set out on cruises. I’ve thought of these people several times and wondered how things have turned out for them. The fact that all of us have been asked to think about ourselves, and others, in a global and sacrificial way, means that we’ve had to consider the fact that we all matter and what we do as an individual can have a great impact on others.
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The keynote speaker at my conference was Dr. Isaac Prilleltensky, a faculty member at the University of Miami. A true citizen of the world, Dr. Prilleltensky was born in Argentina and has lived and taught in Israel, Canada, Australia, and the United States. The moment he finished his talk, I knew that I’d found the topic for my April blog.
Dr. Prilleltensky defined “Mattering” as feeling valued and experiencing adding value in self, relationships, work & community. With secure attachment this goes well. When we matter, we experience health and happiness: self-compassion, autonomy, mastery, positive relationships, etc.
His research has found that when we don’t feel like we matter, we feel devalued which leads to depression, disengagement, and even nationalism (the politics of resentment). Or, a dynamic of being over-valued can occur (leading to inequality, narcissism, and environmental entitlement).
Mattering and Love – feeling valued and adding value in our relationship with others is the single most important factor in happiness and health. Those who feel valued are less likely to have heart attacks, more likely to resist colds, and have lower mortality rates. They experience less stress, are more positive and resilient, and recover faster from wounds. The odds of being happy go up if a direct connection in your social network is happy. That’s a huge incentive to let your romantic partner, family, friends and co-workers know that you value them.
Lack of mattering in relationships is a greater health risk than smoking and obesity.
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So, in these uncertain days during the COVID-19 pandemic, how do you let people know that they matter to you and the world?
Affectively – Create a safe environment for people to express emotions
Behaviorally – Involve people in the development of ideas (joint problem-solving). Try the Gottman State of the Union weekly meeting, or a family meeting, or regular meetings with colleagues
Cognitively – Celebrate accomplishments – Tell stories of how people (friend, romantic partner, family, co-worker) have helped others
May these April showers bring May flowers.
Take good care. You matter to me.