My cabana hostess, Brittany, looked to be about 8 months pregnant. I was taking a self-care day by a pool and when I checked in, the desk attendant said that if Brittany delivered her baby while she was bringing me my drinks, then I’d probably get the cabana and my food and drinks on the house. I was happy to pay. Throughout the day, Brittany was absolutely the perkiest, most attentive, nicest person. She brought me a fun drink, some nachos, and fruit for lunch. She made sure I had enough water and towels. She probably checked on me ten times in 6 hours. I had a great time and I did not once feel guilty (although I did feel a little awe) that a woman 8 months pregnant was helping me, a psychologist, with my self-care. What I did do was appreciate Brittany and personally handed her an extra tip.
Within the Gottman world, we talk about the “culture of appreciation”. This is foundational. How we truly feel and express our appreciation for our partners, our families, and other people in our world is vital to the health of our relationships. I think that by the end of the day, Brittany and I had built up a nice culture of appreciation. The more she “turned towards me” (another Gottman concept) by checking in and seeing if I needed anything, the more I wanted to let her know how much I appreciated it.
The same goes for our close relationships. I have heard John Gottman say that “small things often” are the most important acts you can do to build friendships and relationships. You do not have to buy your partner a fancy car or take them on a fancy vacation (although I am sure those are nice and make sure you say thanks!). What you need to pay attention to most of the time is “please”, “thank you”, and “Wow! That was so nice of you to do that!” Really, it is that simple. But what I hear from couples in my office is “I don’t feel like I need to thank my partner for something that I just expect…something that they should just KNOW what to do!” Or “no one thanked me for doing that, so why should I thank them??” And what I hear from other partners is “I don’t feel appreciated. A little thank you every now and then, would be nice!”
Well, you know what? If you want a happy life and a happy relationship, into it must fall some gratitude and appreciation. The catch is that you might have to show the appreciation first before your partner catches the appreciation wave. So, try a little and see what magic might happen in your relationships.
As we approach Mother’s Day, maybe there is a woman in your life who you might send a little appreciation to. I’m sending some to my own mother and Brittany. Check-out https://www.gottman.com/ for more information on the culture of appreciation.
Have a wonderful month of May!