Did you marry adventure? During spring break, my daughter and I took a road trip to Chanute, Kansas to the Osa and Martin Johnson Safari Museum. Kansan Osa Johnson wrote the book, I Married Adventure, (which of course I bought) about her unique life of exploration in the South Pacific and Africa with her husband during the early part of the 20th century. Little did I know, that about 2 hours south of Kansas City is a fascinating museum filled with their captivating story and items from the Johnson’s marriage/travels, their groundbreaking nature films and photography, and additional collections of stunning African masks and artifacts.
As a couples therapist and psychologist, I have often thought about people who “marry adventure” in other ways. One of the marriages that has most fascinated me is that of Bill and Hillary Clinton. No matter what your politics, given the very public nature of the rupture in their marriage, I am sure that many of us have wondered how that marriage survived. I had some hunches and one was that she must have found him to be the flat out most interesting person she’d ever met and she must really love that man. Only that, to me, would make it possible to stay married to someone who had hurt you so badly. As I have been reading Clinton’s book, What Happened, I pretty much got my answer. She describes, in a totally-eyes wide-open way, that she knew that marrying Bill Clinton was going to be like marrying a comet. What a description. A comet can be beautiful and take you on an incredible ride but can also burn you badly.
When I was in graduate school and a young therapist, I couldn’t imagine how a couple could survive infidelity. Fortunately, I had a very wise supervisor, Dr, Virginia Owens, who helped me broaden my ideas about healing and repair in a marriage, even in the most difficult circumstances. Now, after 25 years of practice as a psychologist, I have seen some amazing stories of resiliency and hard work which have repaired even the worst wounds. Of course, not everyone is able to repair or forgive deep hurts, but I truly believe it is possible in some marriages. One thing I have learned for sure is that no one knows what really goes on in a marriage except for the two people in it. As a therapist, I get a sample or an artifact, but it really is the couple who know each other and what they are capable of – both the good and the bad.
If you’re curious about learning more about the science and personality of couples and how certain couples end up together, in other words, why some of us “marry adventure,” or marry stability, or marry compassion, I’d encourage you to take a look at Dr. Helen Fisher’s work. Fisher’s book, Why Him? Why Her?, is a great introduction to her research on how people end up together – what attracts us to one person over another. There is also a quiz in the book or online which can tell you which of her four types fit you – Explorer, Builder, Director, or Negotiator.
If you are interested, below are links to the people and places who’ve gotten me thinking about “marrying adventure.”
· http://www.safarimuseum.com/
· http://helenfisher.com/books.html
Have a wonderful April