How easy is it for you to stay calm, cool, and collected? Today I lost my cool a bit with my spouse while working on our taxes. I became cranky when he asked me to do something else before I was finished with the first task I was working on. I felt a little overwhelmed while doing a chore I don’t really enjoy. I later apologized and got him the information he wanted once I’d gotten the other goal accomplished. Have you ever been in a similar situation and felt that way?
The success of our communication in our close relationships is really impacted by how calm and positive we are. Within the world of Gottman Couples Therapy, we talk about the “Four Horsemen” or the “Four Relationship Killers.” These are Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. All couples engage in them but master couples are able to do what we call “repair” due to the reservoir of goodwill they have created and their overall positivity about the relationship.
I ask my clients about their normal or average operating temperature in their life. Are they usually “room temperature”? This would be what I would consider pretty calm. Or do they operate most of the time at a “simmer” which doesn’t take long to boil? Many couples come to my office when both partners are usually simmering. It doesn’t take much to set either person off when there is a bit of stress added. Before long, that reservoir of goodwill can be pretty shallow.
Within the Gottman approach, we work on ways to re-build that reservoir of goodwill through specific activities and exercises done with your partner. You can also take steps to personally lower your boiling point. I think any type of self-care activity is a boiling point lowerer. Some of my favorite suggestions to clients are yoga, working out or taking a walk in nature, getting a massage, talking to a friend, taking a nap or bath, and making sure you are getting good nutrition and sleep. Also, scheduling in some fun everyday is vital. When you are going through particularly stressful times, self-care needs to be prioritized towards the top and ramped up.
Below I’ve listed some Kansas City area practitioners I think are great at helping people increase their self-care. So during the month of March, as we look forward to spring, see what you can do to increase the amount of time you feel calm, cool, and collected.
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“Massage for better general health, stress reduction, reduce or remove those aches and pains that keep the nervous system firing and keep you anxious and on edge. CranioSacral for stress reduction, anxiety, PTSD, brain fog, and general brain-health issues.”
Contact: Art Kent
http://www.kinespherept.com/massage
Phone: (816) 379-6899
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“Self-care is at the heart of health care. How often do we find ourselves transformed at the end of a yoga session and are actually transported to a place of joy?” Therapeutic Yoga classes (Levels I-III), Yoga Nidra classes, and health-focused Individual sessions are available.
Contact: Claudia Cardin-Kleffner
Phone: (913) 579-2916
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“An effective teacher helps empower others to create wellness in body, mind, and emotions.” Discover the benefits of ongoing Yoga practice at any age. Available classes include special focus for stability and strength with Parkinson’s and Autoimmune related challenges.
Contact: Suzette Scholtes
Voice Mail: (913) 492-9594
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“Learn to connect with inner wisdom through research-based, Mind-Body approaches for managing behavioral health concerns such as depression, anxiety, chronic pain & addiction.”
Contact: Tracy Ochester, PsyD
Phone: (913) 735-5566