I have sent a record number of sympathy cards in the last year. It seems that grief and loss have been ever present. So, I thought that it might be worthwhile to spend some time sharing what seems to be helpful for ourselves and others when we encounter the inevitable losses in our lives.
A couple of years ago, I was fortunate to attend a two-day training with Dr. Alan Wolfelt who is the Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Colorado. I have called upon what I learned from him many times and found it to be especially helpful when applied to myself when I lost my mother last year. Below are some key things to keep in mind related to grief:
1) It is very important to mark a death or loss with some type of ritual. I am always concerned when I hear that there is “no service”. Dr. Wolfelt shared many stories about situations where grieving and transitioning were hampered when there was no ritual to mark the end of a life. I believe this to be especially significant during the past year as we have coped with COVID-19 and have not been able to mourn as our cultures have normally done. Taking the time for ritual is important. You may have to be creative, but it will be worth it.
2) Send a card. Send support in a meaningful way. Write a note on the funeral home website. Food, flowers, a donation to a memorial fund, etc. Send a text or email. These are important. It is totally fine to send your card a little later. In fact, most people experience the most support right after the loss and would probably really appreciate some love and kindness 30-60 days after the loss. So, it is never too late to send a card or note. Also, if you can’t make it to the service and are local, stop by the funeral home to sign the register or attend the visitation. The family will appreciate whatever you are able to do.
3) Share your memories. Celebrate the life or celebrate the individual with whom you have the connection. Sometimes, our relationship with the person who passes is complicated. So, if you don’t feel like you can celebrate the deceased, extend support to the family who may be experiencing a variety of emotions. Jot a personal note in your card. I loved reading what my mother’s former students had to say about her as a teacher.
4) Take the time you need in the time frame that works for you. If you are able to, take adequate time away from work and/or school. You may very likely be impaired due to lack of sleep and poor concentration. Allow others to care for you. Let them drive. Let them prepare meals for you. It is okay for you to not caretake for others for a while. Or really lower your expectations for yourself. If you aren’t able to immediately take time off, then plan for it as soon as possible. If you have small children, add 30 minutes extra of me time each day or week somewhere. Plan a getaway as soon as possible. Don’t be surprised that your grief may pop up when you least expect it. Ride the grief wave when it appears.
5) Look for gifts from the universe. You may be amazed at coincidences that may occur. Small kindness seemly out of the blue, but maybe not. Connections or as Taylor Swift calls them, Invisible Strings, may appear.
I, like a lot of other people, have been reading Priyanka Chopra Jonas’s book, Unfinished. She has an entire chapter on Grief about the loss of her father from cancer. He was in his early 60’s, she was about 30. Here’s a quote from the end of the chapter (page 183):
“For me, one of the hardest things to accept in life is that control is an illusion. I hate that I can’t control what happens in my life, but I can’t. Loss happens. Failure happens. Sorrow happens. I can’t always control where I’m headed, either. Sometimes sadness is the destination, whether or not it’s where I want to go. During my time there I had to learn to trust that I was visiting for a reason, but that it would not be my permanent place of residence, my forever state of being. That, like water, I would flow past it eventually and end up where I was meant to be.””
Here’s to the end of winter. Bring on the spring.