I love March Madness. I’ve spent many Spring Breaks with my family cheering on our Jayhawks in various tournament venues. So, last year I was particularly sad about the abrupt ending to the season when it looked like Kansas might go all the way and win the NCAA Men’s Tournament. Emotions and sports are highly aligned. You know: the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.
Intensity in Sports (and Intensity in Relationships) are common but can also have consequences if they’re taken too far.
This season, like others, I’ve noticed an aspect of basketball that reminds me of many couples that find their way into my office. Check out the recent news video of Maryland coach (and former Jayhawk) Mark Turgeon “interacting” with Michigan coach, Juwan Howard.
It gives us a window into what the Gottman’s call “Flooding”. Voices are raised, hands are waved, listening doesn’t seem to be occurring. This temporary court madness inevitably ends with technical fouls, ejections, and sometimes empty benches. The same thing can happen with couples when something triggers an argument or disagreement.
Most couples don’t have the benefit of 24-7 assistance in the shape of a Referee.
As a Couples Therapist I am frequently called upon to coach couples on how to be their own referees and teach them how to take a timeout. A word to the wise: this “good break” needs to be at least 20 minutes long and should be outside of each other’s hearing and sight. Probably your heart rate is high, around 100 bpm, and you need to calm down. So, you also need to be doing something “soothing” during the timeout.
Below is a list of questions from page 92 of Drs. Gottman’s book The Science of Couples and Family Therapy. The next time a disagreement or argument is brewing, ask yourself:
Do you feel like you’d rather be anywhere on the planet than in this room talking to this person?
Do you feel overwhelmed and disorganized by all this negativity?
Does this feel like it’s all come out of nowhere?
Do you want to leave?
Do you feel unappreciated?
Do you feel blamed?
Do you feel picked on?
Do you feel powerless in convincing your partner of anything?
Does this all feel totally unfair?
Are you repeating yourself?
Do you feel like right now your partner doesn’t even like you?
Do you hate the way your body feels right now?
If you answer YES, then you are probably “Flooding” and you need to take a “good break”.