Dr. John Gottman has said that if you can only do one thing to improve your love relationship, it is to support your partner’s dreams. This, “Making Life Dreams Come True”, is one of the levels of the Sound Relationship House.” A key feature of this goal is to make sure that you know and support YOUR PARTNER’S dreams – not your dream for them or what you think their dreams should be but THEIR actual dreams.
So, how do we do this? First try having conversations about each other’s dreams. The Yellow Gottman Card Deck called “Open-ended Questions” is a great place to start! This card deck is FREE from the App Store – along with many other card decks. If you’d like to hold an actual card in your hand, you can order the physical cards from the Gottman Institute Store.
Once you ask your partner one of the open-ended questions such as “Have your goals in life changed recently?” Allow them to answer, listen with interest and empathy, and then ask a DEEPENING QUESTION. These are questions that lengthen and deepen their sharing. Maybe ask a couple of them. Maybe ask “How can I support you in that goal or dream?” Then switch and you become the speaker, and your partner becomes the dream catcher! Repeat the process.
I hear amazing stories in my office about how partners support each other in starting businesses and making lifestyle choices that are important to health and happiness. Sometimes this support requires sacrifice on the part of both partners but they both want the dream to be achieved so they work hard together to make it happen.
Sometimes it can mean that one partner picks up more of the childcare load and household load. The key here is EXPRESSING APPRECIATION for each other’s effort toward the dream. And you know what? The Gottman’s also have resources to ramp up your appreciation game! In that same Gottman app, you’ll find a Lavendar Card Deck called “Give Appreciation.” Take a look at that one for great ideas on how to really give appreciation.
As we head towards Thanksgiving, what a wonderful time to give energy to your partner’s dreams and really appreciate all they do for you and your relationship!
We appreciate you! Have a great start to your holiday season!!