Dreams have been on and in my mind over the last six months. Most recently I’ve been thinking about Dr. King’s “I have a dream” speech, as our country has felt deep pain and engaged in dialogue related to racism and the killings of African Americans. Maybe because I was born in the 1960’s and very much remember events and conversations about civil rights and the Vietnam War, that I am feeling echoes now of both the intense grief and emotions, as well as, the potential for us as a society to be better as people as we walk through this struggle. Over the Memorial weekend, I was able to visit a friend whose father had marched with Dr. King and had built a beautiful tribute to that time with bricks they had walked on together. Visit our Instagram page and see the brick mosaic.
In my work with couples, we also talk a lot about dreams. Within the Gottman Sound Relationship House, one of the upper levels is entitled “Make Life Dreams Come True”. The essence of this principle is the importance of supporting your partner’s life dreams. Not your dream, and not your dream for them – but supporting their own dreams. I’ve heard Dr. John Gottman say that the best thing you can do for your relationship is to value and support your partner’s dreams.
Dreams can take many forms. They can be large, such as: peace on earth, the end of racism / sexism / gender discrimination/ poverty, etc. And they can be personal, such as: wanting to retire early, wanting to work less, or wanting a less crazy schedule so there is more family time. A very interesting discovery from the Gottman approach is that many times under conflict, couples have similar dreams.
One intervention we use in Gottman Method Couples Therapy is “Dreams within Conflict.” During this process, we explore with the couple their feelings and underlying dreams underneath an area of disagreement. I am continually struck by how often, on the surface, it can appear that a couple wants two different things but when you get right down to it, they really have very similar goals and desires. Frequently this is to feel closer to each other.
So, what are some suggestions for how to explore and support each other’s dreams? Develop the skill to be your partner’s “dream catcher.” Listen closely to what is important to them. Find out what it will take to help your partner meet their goals. Encourage.
The same tools could be applied to us as a society. Listen to others. Find out what is important to them. Encourage and use your resources to support the good. Be kind. Imagine a world where dreams matter and dreams come true.
Have a safe 4th of July, my friends.
P.s.
Life is full of unexpected moments. Click the link below for a fun example